So, I got the idea this afternoon, and started writing and this is what came of it. I'm just hoping I can get some replies out of this. It's a 10 page short. I've only named three children because, if i ever want to film this, finding more than 3 children who can act will be a pain in the *****cks.
Edit: I've rewritten a couple of things. The order of the scenes is different, I changed two scenes and some sentences.
BEN AND HIS CHILDREN
INT. HALLWAY ? FIFTH FLOOR, FLAT ? EVENING
A door closes with a BAM. CARLA, a woman in her thirties is left alone. She turns around, staggers a few paces down the hallway and then breaks down.
There are no tears. There is no hope. There is only pain.
INT. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR ? APARTMENT ? SAME TIME
A MAN in his forties leans disappointed against the door. He is BEN. A three day old beard and wearing clothes he?s had for years.
He notices someone looking at him. Ben looks back, not in the mood for company.
BEN
I? I? want some soup.
He slowly walks towards the kitchen. His apartment is a MESS. Several TOYS for children are scattered around.
IN THE KITCHEN
He grabs a pan and pours some water in it. Behind him stands a ten year old child. His name is DONOVAN.
DONOVAN
Why are you making soup?
Ben doesn?t look around. He keeps staring at?
DONOVAN
Why did you say no?
?the pan.
DONAVAN
I don?t get what you?d want with her, anyway.
He turns around and puts the pan on the stove.
BEN
(not responding)
I?m hungry. I?m making soup. It?ll be done in ten minutes.
Donovan smiles and runs into the room. Ben looks at the window and walks towards it.
He looks down at the street. Carla steps into her car but glances one last time at his apartment. He stares at her car as it drives away.
INT. BEN?S APARTMENT ? LIVING ROOM ? 10 MINUTES LATER
A big dining table. SEVEN CHILDREN, boys aged seven to eleven, sit around the table. Ben?s serving soup in every one?s cup.
No one says a word.
Ben takes a seat and looks at the children. They look back. He grabs his spoon and starts sipping his soup. The children continue to look at him.
DONOVAN
It?s for the best.
SCOTTY
It?s true. I think it?s better this way. You?ll have more time for us now.
DANNY
We need time.
SCOTTY
We haven?t played the Turtles in a while.
Ben only cares about his soup. The children have started with their soup as well.
SCOTTY
Ben?
No response.
SCOTYY
(screams immensely)
BEEEENNN!!!
Silence. Ben looks up. Intimidated.
SCOTTY
Do you want to play the Turtles with us tonight?
Ben looks down again, sips his soup. No choice.
The children immediately start exciting about which turtle they?ll be. Ben continues to sip his soup, as if there?s no energy left to do something else.
INT. BEDROOM ? NIGHT
Ben?s asleep. He?s having a bad dream.
INT. BATHROOM ? NIGHT (DREAM)
A FLASH: Ben looks at himself in the mirror. BLOOD is dripping in lines all over his body.
INT. BEDROOM ? NIGHT
Ben wakes up scared. He gets up and walks into
THE LIVINGROOM
To get some water. He stands still in the middle of the room to take a look around in the darkness. The seven children are just randomly sleeping everywhere.
Ben has experienced this for too long to be sad. He moves towards the kitchen and opens the FRIDGE ? the LIGHT BLINDS US
INT/EXT. BEDROOM ? WINDOW ? MORNING
BRIGHT SUNLIGHT comes into the room. Ben looks down.
EXT. STREET ? AFTERNOON
Ben walks down the street he always looks upon. Groceries in his hands. The MAN behind the paper booth speaks to him.
MAN
Excuse me, sir.
Ben looks at the man.
MAN
Uhm, hi. Can I ask you a kind question, which you don?t have to answer if you don?t want to?
BEN
Sure.
MAN
Why are you always busy like that?
BEN
I?m not busy.
The man laughs.
MAN
You don?t have to answer if you don?t want to, sir.
BEN
I?m just not busy. I just have to do things. Everyone does.
The man smiles.
MAN
Well that?s another way of looking at it.
(laughs)
But you look like you haven?t slept in days, if you don?t mind me saying so.
BEN
(insincere smile)
Well, thank you for your concern. I have to go now.
Ben shakes his head. He walks away, into his condo. He steps into the elevator and lets himself fall(lean) against the wall. He sighs deeply.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT. BEDROOM ? MORNING
Ben, already in his clothes, looks out the window. Down at the people in the street doing their stuff.
A paperboy?s biking around, a woman walks her dog, an important man gets into his expensive car.
DONOVAN bursts into his room.
DONOVAN
Ben! Ben! We?re hungry! And you need to buy milk! There?s no milk. Mike drank it all.
BEN
Oh well, let me just buy some milk then! If you all just wait here for, say, a quarter or so, I?ll be back with lots of milk. Say, I?ll even get some cereal with that!
Donovan frowns at this sudden kindness. He doesn?t know how to react.
Ben walks into the living room and waves his hands.
BEN
Goood morning kiddos! Did you sleep well?
A few are still sleeping. A few are playing with toys. The others are watching TV on the couch. They all look up surprised.
SCOTTY
What?
BEN
I?m going to do some shopping. Anyone got any special requests?
DANNY
M and M?s! M and M?s! Can you get some M and M?s?
BEN
M and M?s? shall I get some chocolate bars with that too?
The children are pleased. They agree enthusiastic.
BEN
Good. I?ll be back in fifteen minutes and then I?ll fix you some breakfast.
Ben grabs his coat and gets out of the door.
EXT. HALLWAY
As Ben walks down the hallway, his happy expression changes back into his old and cold one.
He walks down the stairs ?
(FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER)
- and upwards, carrying two bags. His face actually shows some hope. He OPENS THE DOOR?
INT. BEN?S APARTMENT
And walks towards the dining table where all the children sit, waiting for their food.
BEN
Here ya go.
He places one bag on the table and puts the other in the kitchen. The children start eating while he puts his groceries away.
Ben joins the table. He looks around at the kids. They all eat happy. This pleases him.
BEN
(searching for words)
This is? this is okay, isn?t it?
All seven of them look at Ben. Their once happy faces changing into cold faces with angry eyes.
BEN
I mean? this is? the food and all? that?s okay, right?
They don?t answer. They keep staring at him with their blaming looks.
BEN
And if I?ll keep this up, then? then?
SCOTTY
(harsh)
Then what?
BEN
Then you can do the same thing too, right?
He looks at them. They give an even angrier look back. Ben?s getting very uncomfortable.
BEN
I just can?t? My life right now? You just have to? you know?
The children look at each other and then start eating their breakfasts, ignoring Ben. Ben looks at the children and feels lost.
BEN
I?m sorry.
The children react as quick as the lightning. Scotty jumps up and screams:
SCOTTY
SHUT UUUUUP!!!!!
The rest of the children start screaming and throwing with their food and plates.
Ben rushes away towards the couch and flumps down, where he bears his head into his hands. His eyes are lost. Desperate. Staring into oblivion.
INT. BATHROOM ? NIGHT
A FLASH: Ben looking in himself in the mirror. Blood all over his face. His expression is numb.
BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM, ON THE COUCH ? LATER
Ben sits in the exact same position.
FAST FORWARD: The children around him watch TV, play with toys, fight a bit, eat chips, while Ben doesn?t move.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT/EXT. BEDROOM, WINDOW ? MORNING
Ben, in pyjamas, looks outside.
Cars are driving away, the paperboy is cycling around. Everyone?s moving around.
DANNY (O.S.)
Do you want to go?
Ben looks around, startled.
BEN
(half in himself)
No. I?m happy the way things are going now.
DANNY
You know you can?t go.
Ben nods and walks into the living room. The children immediately rise and run to the dining table. Ben ignores them and takes a seat on the couch.
BEN
Fix your own **** breakfast.
The children?s eyes go wide.
BEN
Yeah you?ve heard it right.
Ben turns on the TV and starts flipping channels.
The children look at each other, consulting with their eyes. They get off their chairs and gather in front of Ben. Ben doesn?t seem to care.
DONOVAN
You don?t know what you?re getting yourself into.
BEN
You?re standing in front of the TV.
SCOTTY
What are you gonna do? Kill us?
Ben looks at the children. Silence. The children move closer towards Ben.
BEN
(shifting uncomfortably)
Hey, fix your own ?
DONOVAN
(screams)
NOOOOOOOOO!!!! I don?t want to fix my BREAKFAAAASSST!!!
Ben tries to ignore?
- The children all START SCREAMING. They?re getting ridiculously mad -
? but can?t. He?s getting intimidated.
BEN
ALL RIGHT!
He jumps up and moves to the kitchen. The children stop screaming and give Ben a pleased look. They all take seats at the table and await their breakfast.
BEN isn?t pleased at all. He has once again succumbed to the children.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT. BATHROOM ? NIGHT
Ben?s eyes stare at the mirror. Blood drips down his face. He turns on the water crane.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT. BEDROOM ? MORNING
Ben looks down at the street. Numb.
INT. LIVING ROOM ? MORNING
Scotty, who sat on the ground, quickly rises up.
SCOTTY
Yes?
The other children, do the same thing. They all rise up and concentrate on something.
DONOVAN
It?s happening?
They look at each other. Peacefully.
SCOTTY
We can go now?
DANNY
Finally?
The children close their eyes and ?
they disappear!
INT. BEDROOM
The window is open. We look outside and down on the street. Ben?s dead body lies on the ground.
INT. LIVING ROOM
The room is empty. There are no signs of children. There never were.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT. BATHROOM ? NIGHT
Ben (many years younger) looks at himself in the mirror. Blood is all over his body. He turns on the crane and washes his face. He sighs.
While he?s washing his face, we take a look around in the bathroom.
A SURGEON BASKET lies on the floor. The tools are used.
Spots of blood are all over the floor and the walls.
And in the bathtub, where the most blood is, are TWO DEAD children:
DONOVAN and SCOTTY.
FADE OUT
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ November 15, 2003 09:04 AM: Message edited by: emjen ]</font>
I still don't get why I'm not getting any replies. Didn't you finish it? Is it horrible? Is it so perfect that there are no comments needed?
Come on people, I'm doing my best giving your screenplays comments. I don't want to whine here, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd at least say what made you not want to comment on it. Or something like that.
I started to read but didn't get very far. Perhaps this is why:<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">This man aged 10 years right before our eyes! How would you shoot this scene? Would he be holding up a sign that read,"I've had these clothes for years"A MAN in his thirties leans disappointed against the door. He is BEN, a man in his forties. A three day old beard and wearing clothes he?s had for years.
And why not just immediately introduce him as BEN?
Suggestion: For efficiency I usually write numbers in numerical from - rather than spelling out the number...
BEN, 30's, with a 3 day-old beard...
yeah i fixed it when I re-read it (it was a stupid fault I didn't see first).
the clothes are just old. I wanted to show that he doesnt really care about what he looks, but isnt a total bum either. So he has a 3 day beard and old clothes. Nothing more, nothing less.
Yeah I kinda did write it towards the ending, because that's basically what its about.
He's spineless because he's lost hope and is getting desperate - this has been going on for years now. He's already kind of accepted it.
Basically what I wanted to do here is fool the viewer, having misconceptions about Ben. You feel kind of sorry for him behaving like that and all (well thats what I tried) but in the end you learn that he's getting what he deserved, and the children were behaving, well, as they should be.
Thanks for reading. Any tips on what could be better though? (was the dialogue clunky everywhere or only where I meant it to be clunky?)
Okay, I read it.
Overall it didn't impress me; mainly because it frustrated me that Ben was so weak- why is he so spineless; I didn't feel satisfied with the reasoning or explanation for that.
Did you write this around your ending? It reads that way. Couldn't help but compare ending to The Sixth Sense.
Lots of the dialogue is very clunky too, and very little useful scene setting. I don't think it's terrible, but I don't think it's great either; could have potential though.
Sorry I couldn't be more positive about it but I hope my comments can help in some way.
Thank you for those tips. Frankly, I know all the answers to your questions, but I really didn't implement them in my screenplay as such. (Well I did, but they were hard to find).
Here's a rewrite I just did (don't worry,it's almost been cut in half).
-----
INT. APARTMENT - BEN?S BEDROOM ? FIFTH FLOOR ? MORNING
BEN, a man in his forties, stands in his bedroom looking out-side the window.
ON THE STREET
People are starting their days. A paperboy is cycling around, a woman walks her dog, men get into their cars to drive to work.
He?s got a cold look on his face, as if he?s seen a few too many wars. He sighs and then staggers into the
LIVINGROOM.
We only see BEN and hear only the sound he makes.
He goes straight towards the kitchen. Grabs milk, cereal and several cups as a habit. Walks back, puts them on the dining table and takes a seat.
Only now we see the rest of the room, and hear the sounds of SEVEN CHILDREN, aged eight to eleven. They sit at the table, excited about their food.
They all start eating. Ben gets his cereal ready and starts eating as well, but his eyes stare into oblivion.
BEN (V.O.)
It hasn?t always been like this. I used to be happy. I used to be free. I?ve tried everything. But nothing works.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT. BEDROOM ? MORNING
Ben looks outside.
ON THE STREET
A MAN his age walks towards his condo.
Ben?s eyes go wide. He immediately puts on his jacket and rus-hes out of the room.
IN THE LIVINGROOM
He speeds towards his shoes, puts them on and moves towards the door. But SCOTTY(11) interrupts him.
SCOTTY
What are you doing?
BEN
(without turning around)
That?s none of your business.
SCOTTY
If you?re not going to tell me what you?re going to do then I?m coming too.
A beat.
BEN
I just saw my brother downstairs.
SCOTTY
Are you going to tell him you can?t see him?
BEN
I don?t know what I?m going to tell him.
SCOTTY
You?re going to tell him that you can?t see him.
BEN
I don?t know.
SCOTTY
(screams)
BEEENN!!!
Ben turns around. He looks at the faces of the seven children.
BEN
Shut up. I?m going downstairs, and you?re not coming with me.
He leaves the room. The DOOR CLOSES
DISSOLVE TO:
AND OPENS. A Sad Ben walks inside. Takes a look around the room. Some children are playing with each other, one?s drawing, the rest is watching TV.
Ben sighs of relief.
DONOVAN(10), watching TV, responds.
DONOVAN
We knew you?d say it.
Ben takes off his jacket and shoes and walks towards the win-dows. He looks as his brother walks away.
DONOVAN
You don?t have time for him. Or for your sister. Or the neighbors, your friends, your family, your dog, or the people you work with.
Ben doesn?t listen. He already knows.
FADE OUT
BEN (V.O.)
They?re eating me alive.
FADE IN
INT. BEDROOM ? MORNING
Ben looks outside the window. There?s anger in his eyes.
INT. LIVING ROOM ? MORNING
Ben eats his own cereal. The children are standing around him, angry and offended.
He doesn?t care.
BEN
(while eating)
Hey, it?s not that hard. You just grab a cup, put some cereal and milk in it and voila, you?re ready.
DONOVAN
That?s not how it works! You?re going to fix our breakfast!
BEN
No I?m not. You?re going to do your own stuff from now on. I?m sick and tired of you. Pathetic little children. Have you got nothing better to do? Huh?
Donovan SMACKS Ben?s cup on the ground. Scotty jumps on Ben?s neck. The other children hold his arms body and legs.
DANNY(9) grabs the milk and throws it into his face. After that he runs into the kitchen and starts throwing everything he finds on the ground or at Ben.
Ben struggles but can?t escape. He falls backwards, followed by the attacks of the children.
BEN(V.O.)
Nothing works. I can?t escape. I can?t get rid of them.
DISSOLVE TO
INT. BEDROOM ? MORNING
Ben looks down the street, at the people doing their things again.
BEN (V.O)
I need to be free. I want to be happy again.
INT. LIVING ROOM ? MORNING
Ben comes into the room with a cheerful face. He bows happily when he sees the children.
BEN
Good morning! Do you guys want eggs for breakfast?
The children look at each other, a bit confused, but then re-act just like normal kids. Enthusiastic.
SCOTTY
Yes! Baked eggs!
DONOVAN
Can I have scrambled egg?
DANNY
I don?t like eggs?
Ben walks towards the kitchen and gets the eggs out of the fridge.
BEN
Okay, just tell me what kind of egg you want.
The children rush up to the table and take seats. They?re all acting happy. Ben sees this and smiles.
CUT TO:
Ben sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The children do-ing their things. On the walls are remains of raw eggs. The room is a mess.
BEN (V.O.)
But nothing works.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT. LIVING ROOM ? DINING TABLE ? BACK TO SCENE 1
Ben stares at the wall while they all eat.
BEN (V.O.)
I can?t get rid of them. I want to be free?
He looks at the kids.
BEN (V.O.)
But I can?t kill them.
DISSOLVE TO
INT. BEDROOM ? MORNING
He looks down the street. Numb.
INT. LIVING ROOM ? SAME TIME
Scotty, who sat on the ground, rises up.
SCOTTY
Yes?
The others rise up and concentrate as well.
DONOVAN
It?s happening?
SCOTTY
We can go now?
DANNY
Finally?
They close their eyes and ?
Disappear!
We go back into the bedroom, out of the OPEN WINDOW and look down.
Ben lies dead on the ground.
INT. LIVING ROOM
There?s no sign of the children. There never were.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
EXT. STREET ? SUBURBS ? AFTERNOON
Ben (many years younger), hands in his pocket, waits for some-thing. He?s leaning against his CAR parked on the street.
He looks at us. We?re going his way.
BEN
(smiles)
Hey there.
It?s SCOTTY. He looks up at Ben, a bit intimidated. He wants to walk further but it?s too late.
The last thing we see is Ben grabbing us.
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ November 16, 2003 03:48 PM: Message edited by: emjen ]</font>
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I understand, but it felt like you had rushed or glossed over the start and middle of the script to achieve the ending.Yeah I kinda did write it towards the ending, because that's basically what its about.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I would read it through a few times and make notes on what you think about it. Ask others to read it, write down their views/ ideas. Think carefully about what you could add to this story to make the reader/ viewer be more taken in and fooled, as well as making it more involving. I understand that Ben is meant to be a little spineless, but as it is he's almost a non-entity- think carefully about his character. Here's some questions for you to consider:Thanks for reading. Any tips on what could be better though? (was the dialogue clunky everywhere or only where I meant it to be clunky?)
Why would a murderer try so hard to make things right? What's his reasoning and frame of mind? Why did he do it in the 1st place? What is it about the family unit that the audience are invited to be fooled by (why are the kids so angry?), are the kids taking out enough anger? What was Ben's first reaction to the return of the horrible kids?
Can you answer those questions? If not then you need to think alot more.
When I say 'clunky' dialogue, I mean dialogue that is sounds written, false and fake, eg. :
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Try saying the lines yourself, do they sound natural?MAN
Uhm, hi. Can I ask you a kind question, which you don?t have to answer if you don?t want to?
But I'm no expert, this is all just my humble opinion. Hope it helps though. Good luck with it.
A definate improvement for me. Much more efficient and it answers alot of the questions I posed.
I can be sincerely honest and say I 'get it' 100% now and I do quite like it. Let some other people read it and see what they think.
Emjem
I read both versions, and I must admit the 1st one confused me totally... It seemed to deliberatly confuse, and I read through it to see how it'd pan out. However, the ending was weak and although it made an attempt at explaining ben's realtionship with the children, it didn't really serve much of an explanation.
HOWEVER, the re-write is better. It makes a lot more sense, and you can see the emotion, the pain and frustration of Ben in the second version.
Also, the fact that he just grabs the kids, as opposed to killing them makes it more realistic. A killer would need a motive, and this would need to be explained, whereas a prevert (mis-spelled deliberatly) doesn't need a motive. That's just the way they are.
It's a harsh script, and the theme would cause a lot of contraversy (have I spelled that right?), especially as the character Ben would have the audience feeling sorry for him, when he would be the bad guy, paying for his sins.
Just one thing though, I'd try to make the children more brutal towards ben. If they have went through this abuse, they would surely be more angry, and retaliate more? (I'm not an expert).
It sounds an interesting prose, and I can almost picture the script as a film in my head.
Hope this helps.
[img]graemlins/pizza.gif[/img]
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